Missing The Old Times

I checked my twittter on the phone just awhile ago. And that's when I remembered I made a promise to these two girls to talk to them on skype. I seriously forgot it. It just slipped out of my mind. I felt guilty for taking them for granted. I even missed the times when we were still close. But the more I thought about it the more I realized we're falling apart. We're not someone we used to be. We always hangout before but now? we don't even have time to send a message or chat. I kept wishing I could bring those times but it just won't come back. Like there's always a wall or a barrier that separates us. I miss the old times. I miss laughing and talking with them but then sometimes I don't wanna be with them. It just didn't felt right. I don't know why. How am I gonna talk to them in skype when I don't even know what to tell?

Fear.

It came back again. That horrible feeling. Being scared, I mean. It's like for the whole day all I felt was fear. Since morning until dismissal. And I still felt it even in my home. I'm always anxious. Uneasy.  Nervous. Terrified. Afraid that something bad might happen. I hate this feeling. I want it to be gone but it just kept coming back. I can see my hand shaking. Felt it even. Hands cold and heart beating too fast. I always think of all the negative things. Always saying 'what if..' And all because of these unwanted fears I have, I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. ):

Absolutely Terrifying

I'm scared. I'm always scared. Even to small things that doesn't even matter. I'm scared that maybe it won't work. I'm scared that maybe they won't like it. I'm scared that maybe I'm not good enough. And I think that's what brought me down. Being scared. That's what stop me from doing things. Things that I like. I'm scared of being judged. And now I know why. After watching the video of vlogbrothers, it made me think and realize that it's normal. Being scared because creating is terrifying, everyone creates and so everyone is terrified. I realize that it's not just me. That everyone is scared. They just don't show it. And the only way to solve this is to cope up with it. Just be comfortable with being scared. I know it sounds crazy and confusing but what choice do we have. I need to stop being ridiculous and do something before it's too late. After all.. We're All Scared.

I Lied

I lied to a friend today. And it makes me feel horrible. I don't know why I did such thing. Maybe because I want to be complimented or something. Now I keep wishing I didn't said yes when she asked me. What am I gonna do? If I tell her the truth, she'd be disappointed but if I don't, she'll find out sooner or later. This is hard. I can't forget it no matter how hard I tried. Please. Help me.

The Difference Between Old and New; Real and Fake

Today's the continuation of our postponed intrams. Me and my old friends are always staying at the air-conditioned canteen. We were talking endlessly about everything. I can't remember the last time I talk this much. Especially with them. And when I was on my way home, I can't help but think about my friends. The old ones and the new ones. When I'm with my old friends, I feel careless and free. But when I'm with my new friends, I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. When I'm with my old friends, I tell them everything. I tell them what's been going on with my life but with my new friends? I really don't talk to them about me that much. I sometimes don't understand them. Maybe I'm still adjusting or maybe .. I don't know anymore.

Awkward Library Escapade

I was at the library after dismissal. I was thinking of borrowing a book every 3 days since it's english month and it's senior year so might as well complete my bucket list. It was really awkward for me. And the librarian was awfully strict. I wonder why librarians are so strict. Is it required for their job? Anyway, I was at the fiction section when a group of english teachers came in. I was trying really hard not to get notice. Unfortunately, someone notice me. And she's not just someone but my adviser when I was still in junior year. She said "Nell, It's good that you're reading." and all I did was smile and made a little noise. I didn't know what to say. It was awkward. Not really but remembering how badly I treated her. Seriously, SHE STILL KNOWS MY NAME! It made me realize how good she is and how bad I am. And then I was waiting in line and supposed grab the ballpen when someone I don't know suddenly said "Hi, juliet." But I'm not really sure. I kept asking "What did you say?" but she just keeps on awkwardly shrugging her head and said "Nevermind" That's when the strict librarian scold some of us. She got mad because we delayed their time of closing. I hate that bitch. And most of the awkwardness that I couldn't forget was when I ducked and hide when I saw someone I know in the library. It just made me uncomfortable to see them. I prefer to meet stranger in the library. And so I ran and gone home silently regretting.