I met a couple of guy friends. And I really wanna know more about them. But the feeling is not mutual, sort of. And I've been obsessing about these guys. Like I've been creating scenarios and fantasies where we always hangout. I dreamed about them one time.

And when I actually do hangout with them, I do something stupid like tell them a secret.I get so excited when me and my friends are invited to hangout. And really happy when I'm with them. I don't know. Maybe because they're fun, nice, and really cool. They treat you and take you to places you've never been to and experience things you've never experience before. And lastly, they're kind of hot especially when they're passionate about their talents and skills.

But as I think about it more, I don't really get invited as much as my other friends are. I care so much about them and yet they don't find the effort to get to know me. And I get a little sad and disappointed. Jealous when my friends talk and brag about their fun. It made me feel left out so much that I wished I'd find new friends.

I always promise myself to never look forward in hanging out with them again. And if they ever asked, I would pass up and decline.

This blog is about something neither pleasant nor unpleasant has happened. It happened on the long weekend.

The day my guy best friend kissed me. I didn't say I didn't like the kiss. It's just that I didn't like it to be with the person who I really thought was my friend. It was not my first kiss by the way but let's not dwell on that. What matters is that I have finally come to the conclusion that all guys are the same. They treat you like you're special. And then expects something out of you.

Anyway, the kiss was literally wet. And awkward at first. I was really in shock and pretty much shaking. All I think about was his lips and how this was a mistake. How easy it was to do those things. Things that I just saw on tv and read in books. I was a little bit turned on by then. But when he said something like why haven't we done this back in highschool and how he thought I don't know anything about kissing. It made me feel worthless. Like I'm being used. It made me realized that he's just like the rest of them. A jerk. And he was never my true friend.

There are still a lot of things I wanted to say but don't know how to put it into words. A lot of how I feel. How I can't say it to any of my friends. How I like it but also don't like it. And how complicated that was. I just hope he wouldn't brag about this to any of his friends cause God help me if he did.

P.S. He's not much of a good kisser

Never Let Anyone Read It

I got a temporary tattoo wrong and now I'm all so messed up. I can get really nasty like have a mental or nervous breakdown because of something so little. I am a perfectionist without even knowing it. Tomorrow's the long awaited Sinulog festival where we party hard all day and night. And I've been doing my best for the past hours to make it perfect cause this is actually my first time to be wild as much as I want. I hate how serious I can get. How easily I freak out. I'm not like this before. My friend, Bianca, is always the "easily panicked" person. Not me. And now my Sinulog vibes are gone. There's nothing I can do but hope no one would notice. I even have a mantra. "Never let anyone read it" EVER I just hope the cool popular kids at the street party won't make fun of me because the last thing I want in the most grandest wildest loudest party of all time is to be ridiculed vulnerably.

Wednesday happenings

Now I understand what most people quote. Especially the one about being happy and then something bad happened afterwards. Cause apparently, that's what happened to me last Wednesday.

I was so giddy and lively and energetic at that time. I don't know why. I made funny comebacks and jokes. I thought I was sweet and lovely. I felt radiating. And then it got out of hand. When I realized what a complete idiot I was, I  tried to stay calm. But then it got so confusing. I started having both ways. I was overwhelmed by what was happening around me that I decided to just let it be. And then I suddenly handled it perfectly. Like I was a mature person. Fit to be graceful. But then it hindered something I wanted. Something my friend took. And so I got bitter. When I got home I decided to just be grateful. Be happy. After all, you don't get to have that chance everyday. And so I again felt lovely. But it immediately disappeared just by a few words from the very lips of my father. I felt awful. Like I'm a complete disappointment. Worthless. And then it got horrible when my mother joined in the club of misery. I was so down that I began to sulk. Like a child. AGAIN.

And that's how I realized you can't have it both ways. What must have been perfect is bound to be destroyed. Devastating as it is. That is how life works. And you're gonna have to deal with it. Confusing as my blog seems.

Too Good

Why can't I seem to stop from doing extra things for ungrateful people. When actually everything is for naught. I always felt guilty like I have to pay some kind of debt. I can't stop thinking that I must do something to make those near me happy. And those people have done nothing for me. All they did was take me for granted and made me feel like a worthless person. I'm not even sure if my college friends are true and real. If they can be there for me when I needed it just like how I was for them.

A New Hobby

Have you ever get that feeling like you just knew that there's something you need to find? Well, i get that a lot but right now it's becoming worse. It's really intense. I'm obsessed about this. This music. I don't what it is but I get the feeling that if I'll just listen to a couple of music I've heard a few days or months ago, I'll be able to finally find it. Is this wrong? Am I developing some kind of psychiatric disorder? Cause really, I know it's creepy but I just can't help myself.

I had a psychology class last sem and thanks to my great teacher I learn a lot of things from it. He said that a disorder has something to do with an obsession that is done repeatedly. But he also told me that it is not abnormal to have an obsession as long as it does not cause a problem to another individual.

Therefore, I conclude that I am not crazy but that doesn't mean it's not unusual. I'll just have to figure this all out. Until then this obsession of mine will be just a passion. After all, we all need a hobby, right?

Life Is Too Short

There is only one thing I have learned in this semestral break and that is to never show people who aren't interested who you really are ever again. How did I come up with this bizarre idea? Well it's just simple, really. I was watching Now You See Me which is now my new favorite movie. And then I got dazzled by the brilliance of it so I downloaded it and showed it to the people I love but all I got was a baffled sister, a dozed off cousin and a criticizing parents. Yup, you can't imagine my disappointment. And that's how I decided my new mottos in life. Never trust and care people too easily. Don't be scared. Be wise enough. Don't judge. Do what you want. And be the worst that you can because life is too long for patience and virtue.